I have two cats.

The first was rescued from a life on the streets, and was probably a feral kitten. Stouffer is still distinctly undergrown and much prefers stealing food to eating that which he’s given (although this may just be a commentary on Whiskas)

The second was donated by a family who had a kitten which, and I quote, they “hated”. They also had a Rottweiler and, presumably as a result of growing up defending his food from a large dog, Zuul definitely has ‘issues’ when it comes to food. Those issues being “he’s grotesquely fat and always hungry”.

I mention these two, and their eating habits, because – as a household with two perpetually hungry cats – I don’t really expect to look up and see a mouse sitting underneath my xbox. But that’s what happened last night.

“Not to worry,” I thought, “I’ll just bring one of the cats in”

Yeah. That’ll work.

We actually brought both cats into the room, and after they’d had a bit of a stretch and rolled around the carpet for 20 minutes, Stouffer seemed to notice that there was something worth hunting in the corner of the room. He poked around in a plastic bag, and – quick as a flash – the mouse sped across to the other side of the room.

Stouffer was not to be dissuaded, however – 6 hours later, he’s still pretty damn certain that the mouse is in, or under, that plastic bag. No matter how many times I pick him up and put him roughly where the mouse actually is.

Zuul, meanwhile, has climbed into a cardboard box and is having a sleep.

Which basically means I’ve now got a pet mouse to go along with my cats.

Perhaps he won’t be quite so crap.

David Cameron has announced that Britain is a Christian country.

That’s sort-of true – we have a state religion, even (the Church of England).

But British Christianity, British religion, isn’t particularly zealous. Most of us don’t go to church (or mosque, or temple). We pay lip service to the religion that our parents had, but only a minority of us actually worship. 

Because the reality is that we are largely a secular nation. 

It’s not just that Cameron is wrong, though. It’s not just what he’s saying – although saying that our laws are based on the Bible is ludicrous (Seriously – have you seen some of the shit in Leviticus? It’s almost like it was written several thousand years ago).

How he’s saying it is much, much worse.

David Cameron: “We are a Christian country and we should not be afraid to say so,”

We aren’t. One of the strengths of the UK as a nation is that people are free to practice whatever religion they so choose – including Christianity. The biggest impediment to announcing your faith would be mild embarrassment – but Britons are pretty used that. It’s almost our default setting.

So why is the fucking Prime Minister telling us that declaring our Christianity is some sort of victory over adversity?

Why is he implying that it is somehow difficult to admit your faith in this country of ours?

Why is he saying things like this?

David Cameron: “Faith must shape our values” [it helps]  people to have a ‘moral code’ ”

“[...]“even if not every Church has always got the point”

Why is he trying to divide our country into ‘Christians’ and ‘non-Christians’?

This is truly monstrous behaviour.

It would be a slippery slope argument to point out that the next step is to start limiting the rights of people who aren’t Christian (maybe starting with Muslims) – but the slope looks pretty fucking slippery from where I’m standing.

One of the great strengths of our nation is that people are free to believe – or to not believe – in whichever god they choose, and for that to have no impact whatsoever on their role or rights as a citizen.

After Cameron’s speech, I can’t pretend that I think this state of affairs is going to continue. I certainly can’t pretend that my government wants this state of affairs to continue.

This leads to an evil place; we can’t just sit back and allow this man to drag our country there.

Because Cameron just took one step closer to the abyss.

I grew up and still live in inner-city Manchester, so I’m used to ethnic diversity.

On the other hand, I went to (almost entirely white) Roman Catholic schools and I’ve got an xbox live account¹ so I’m – unfortunately – familiar with hateful racism².

I’m distressingly familiar with the argument “I’m not racist, but” – which is usually followed by a tirade of bigotry. I tend to think of this as cowardice – but the thought has crossed my mind lately that maybe racists (who are generally quite stupid) really don’t realise the depth of their intolerable prejudice.

So I’ve made a little list to help them out.

You’re probably a racist if:

You think the Daily Mail represents quality, impartial journalism

The Mail is an incredibly popular newspaper, and it would be pretty damn arrogant of me to suggest that I was in any way capable of laying down judgement on the quality of its journalism or editorial content.

So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It’s full of conjecture, hyperbole and outright bullshit. The Mail itself regularly confesses to things like making up Winterval - although their corrections are rarely as hysterical or high profile as the original (in this case now excised) piece – and fabricating the occasional quote.

Some of the things the Mail does – like putting things in its headlines that aren’t actually part of the story – are just typical shoddy tabloid journalism. But if you find yourself reading a story in the Mail and believing it to be absolutely 100% true – then you’re probably quite racist indeed. And also a bit dim.

(especially if the story is something like ‘Gay asylum seekers use massive benefit payout to turn Buckingham Palace into mosque‘)

I’m not saying you shouldn’t read the Mail. I’m just reminding you that its journalists generally have the same deep connection with reality as Salvador Dali, paired with the same standards of truth, honesty and integrity as Baron Friedrich von Münchhausen.

Also: you shouldn’t read the Mail.

Continue reading »

In my unending quest (I’ve just started it actually) to improve the quality and enjoyability of British TV viewing, I have decided to compile a list of TV shows that would be very much improved by only showing the last ten minutes of each of them. Here are the shows that I propose should be (in future) ten minutes long. TV executives please take note:

TV Shows That Would Be Improved By Only Showing The Last Ten Minutes

1) Bargain Hunt: A patronising old snob spends ages leading some clueless punters around a boot fair/antiques market (usually in the rain). They look at things and either buy them, or don’t. During the crucial last ten minutes the goods are sold at an exciting auction and the “winners” (those who make the most profit) are announced. This really is the only bit worth showing.

2) Deal Or No Deal: Boxes are opened and the amounts inside revealed. The Banker makes offers to the punter. Box opened. Deal? No. Box opened. Deal? No. Box opened. Deal? No… And so on. Cut the crap, nobody deals before the last ten minutes. Just show the bit from where they deal (or the last round, if they don’t) and we find out how much they’ve won.

3) X Factor Results: Long, drawn out, tedious waiting game, to see who Simon Cowell has dictated will win/lose this week (allegedly). Ex-X Factor winners, or current “stars”, frantically try to keep us entertained, whilst we wait for the results. Results that are announced in the last ten minutes. Just show that then.

4) The Secret Millionaire: Somebody with more money than they need goes around lying to charities and pretending to be a volunteer. They have to live in a normal house for a week and wear clothes from Primark (brave bastards!). The whole thing is an uncomfortable charade. Eventually, in the last ten minutes, the Millionaire is generous to the charities, tells the truth and gives fat cheques to nice people (who cry). Everyone is happy. Again, why not just show that bit?

5) 10 Years Younger: Fifty minutes of first looking at a woman who hates herself, then up a plastic surgeon’s nose, then at the back of an orthodontist’s head, then at the swollen, bruised face of the same woman recently “altered”. The last ten minutes compare the woman as she was with her healed and “new” image – which is the point of the entire show and is actually interesting! These ten minutes could easily stand alone as excellent broadcasting. Hint.

6) 60 Minute Makeover: Crap house made good(ish), normally for a “worthy” family. Definitely takes longer than 60 mins but I have no proof of that. Loads of fake jeopardy (time is running out!) and forced conversation. Tired scenes of relatives painting and a stylist unpacking a van. The old to new house comparison, plus the full sob-story and the reveal, all emerge in the last ten minutes. This is also when the entire crying and feel-good factor come alive. Why not make the best of these moving scenes and throw out the rest?

You must be getting the idea by now. I haven’t even bothered with Diagnosis Murder, Supernanny, or Gladiators! So, I would argue that many TV programmes waste our time before the last ten minutes. Do you agree? Do feel free to chip in your ideas, our comments section doesn’t bite. 

Today's TUC rally in Manchester

Today is a day of public sector strike action in the UK.

The Great Strike of my generation, perhaps.

I support it.

(I’m going to write a bit more, but that’s going to be the gist, so if you’re in a hurry…)

Strikes in general are important. The most powerful weapon the ordinary worker has is the option to down his tools.

When negotiations aren’t working, when the powers that be aren’t being fair, that’s the only real thing that ordinary workers can do that will get their message heard.

Which means strikes are inconvenient, and public sector strikes all the more so.

Schools are closed, public transport is disrupted, hospitals are only open for emergencies – and so on. It’s annoying, especially if you really need one of those public services.

But that’s rather the point – strikes are inconvenient by design.

Public sector workers are an important part of Britain. There aren’t many aspects of British society which aren’t run or administered by a public servant of one description or another. And it’s because they’re so important, because their jobs are so vital, that we really notice when they’re on strike.

And that’s why we they deserve fair pay, fair pensions and a sensible retirement age.

It’s been said – correctly – that many in the private sector do not enjoy the same benefits as those in the public sector. In many cases (especially lower-paid workers), this is true. Although it may not be quite as true as you think:

How much is one of these ‘gold-plated’ public sector pensions currently worth, per year, do you reckon?
Just have a little think.

Continue reading »

There are a lot of protests going on all around the world right at the moment, which means that wherever you live you can’t have failed to notice that people are getting a bit pissed off with the ruling elite.

I can’t argue with that.

What has Capitalism ever done for us?

In Libya, Egypt and Syria – all across the Arab world, in fact – there are people fighting and dying for their rights. They want more freedom, more employment, less government brutality, real elections. Things like that.

In Europe and the USA there are middle-class people sitting in tents outside stock exchanges and universties. They want… well, they want things to be different, and they aren’t going to move until it is – all the while assuring us that they represent 99% of all people.

I’m a little bit torn, because I really can’t argue with the intent – I don’t think the top few percent of the population should receive most of the wealth. It isn’t fair. I do think sitting back and watching while western governments impose austerity measures on the poorest, while allowing the richest to receive bigger and better bonuses is flat-out wrong.

But I can’t pretend that sitting around and agreeing with each other about how wrong it all is will actually achieve anything.

Continue reading »

As large UK companies serving the basic needs of Britain, you are responsible for employing hundreds of thousands of unskilled and semi-skilled workers – and keeping them employed throughout the recession.

As large, profitable, companies, you are capable of providing jobs for our increasing numbers of unemployed – particularly school leavers and other young people, many of whom who are ideally suited to working in your businesses.

You are all companies who – despite the potential of existing as large, faceless corporations, claim to have a priority on treating  your employees – at every level – with care and respect.

And you are all participants in the current government’s recent euphemistically named ‘work experience’ programme – a not-exactly voluntary scheme which has seen young people threatened with a denial of out-of-work benefits if they refuse to work for eight weeks without pay.

The return for this literal slave labour? The promise of a job interview – not a job, the businesses (like yourselves) who participate aren’t even required to have vacancies.

As humans, we know this is wrong on multiple levels.

Work is not Punishment

Our young people are not out of work due to laziness, apathy or choice – they’re unemployed because the UK is in the midst of a pretty major economic recession.

Continue reading »

I quite like Remembrance Day.

I donate to the Royal British Legion (only a couple of quid), I wear a poppy, I observe a silence. I remember and appreciate the sacrifices people made to create a country I could be proud of living in – one that battled intolerance, tyranny and segregation.

I like that country – although it’s not the country I live in now, obviously.

Because the country I live in right now is apparently full to bursting with racist fuckheads.

I live in a United Kingdom where its apparently okay to tell people with different beliefs to ‘fuck off back to your own country’ – even when the people you’re talking to are British citizens. I live a Britain where it’s apparently perfectly acceptable to talk about ‘pakis’ when you’re selling me a poppy.

I can’t trace my family back very far, but I have a brother who has served in Afghanistan and Iraq, and I had a grandfather who fought at Arnhem. I almost certainly had ancestors who fought in World War I, because most people alive in Britain today did (yes, even the brown ones).

My family, and all those other men who I’ve never met didn’t fight so that small-minded, ignorant fuckwits can turn this country into a place where people are not free to speak their mind.

Continue reading »

Recently there has been a great deal of debate about the way women are treated online.  Women bloggers have started to talk openly about the threats of sexual violence they receive, in response to their articles, and the way people attempt to degrade them, instead of debating with them. They say that whilst male bloggers are also frequently insulted, they don’t attract the sleazy sexual crap that women have been putting up with. One group of women have revealed their stories here. They feel that a bunch of bullying misogynistic men are trying to shut them up, in the most cave man way possible. I identify with a great deal of what they are saying, but I’ll get to that later.

Continue reading »

Currently trending on Twitter is the hashtag #GrandTheftAutoMemories – presumably because the trailer for GTA V has just been released.

I’m quite a fan of the series, so I thought I’d have a look to see what people were saying.

Don’t.

It’s terrifying – the topic is moving pretty quickly, and every other post is full of such whimsical reminiscence as “I enjoyed beating prostitutes to death and stealing their money” and “I like driving into hoes and then reversing over them again and again and again”.

It’s the sort of thing that’s making me rethink my position on the (I thought) ridiculous far-right notion that violent videogames turn gamers into violent sociopaths.

Although in this case I think the problem is rather more that Grand Theft Auto turns gamers into Frank Miller.

… but is that more disturbing, or less disturbing?

I haven’t deliberately killed any prostitutes when playing a GTA game, but I am responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent – albeit imaginary – pedestrians due to being incapable of driving in a straight line. Or around corners.