Funerals
Sorry for the lack of updates over the past little while; my Nan passed away and I wasn’t really in the mood for writing anything.
It has made me think (obviously enough) about funeral arrangements – in Britain we only really have a couple of options : Burial or Cremation. Either way, it’s a bit boring, so I thought I’d come up with a few new ideas.
- AnimatronicsWith modern prosthetics and special-effects technology, it should be relatively easy to robotically animate your corpse. This can lead to a variety of options for the funeral – you could have the procedure arranged in secret and then burst out of your coffin in the middle of the service, for example.
Plus, your family gets to keep you around the house for a bit. Once they get over the shock.
It might sound a bit morbid, but you’d be one hell of a conversation-starter.
- RecyclingIn this day-and-age, people tend to be in favour of ‘green’ solutions to problems – and most body disposal issues tend to cause at least some pollution (even if just in a ‘landfill’ sense…), so why not simply recycle your remains? With chips.
This would also solve the problem of what to serve at the buffet afterwards.
- IdolatryMy personal favourite, you arrange a church (or whathaveyou) service as usual, but have someone standing by to seal the doors of the building once the proceedings begin, entombing your friends and family in with you forever (or being burned along with you, if you have the building set on fire).
If you’re feeling kind, you can provide each mourner with a ‘suicide kit’ of some kind (a pill, or a hammer or something). Bonus points can be awarded for pre-recording a video of yourself explaining the situation to your hapless worshippers friends and family (maniacal laughter optional).
Hopefully that’s given you some ideas for your own departure – if you have any good ones, let me know in the comments. Let me know if you’re planning on using any of mine, although I’d probably hear about that in the news anyway.
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Posted by Dave in Bastardry (29/04/2010 at 17:04).
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I like the recycling idea, but only for the young. I know I wouldn’t want to recycle some 90 year old, but a fresh 30 year old would go great with chips, beer and potato salad.
I have to go with animatronics! My Dad was cremated dressed as a Victorian… Think how much more awesome that would have been if he could have done a song from “Oliver!” the musical.
I vote for donating myself to a Body Farm http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_farm. Although Blomella’s idea sounds like fun too.
http://dieodiesel.wordpress.com/
I’d like to stuffed by a taxidermist. If my inheritor doesn’t have the room to store my whole body, then just have my head mounted like a deer or a moose or something.
But the animatronics have given me a wonderful idea. Do you remember Billy Bass? Could you imagine being in somebody’s home and walking by their fireplace and triggering a mounted human head singing “We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue!”
@whatigotsofar –
Why just mount the head? Admittedly it would take up more space, but an all-singing, all-dancing human body would be a talking point in any room.
(And it’d probably be a damn sight less irritating than Billy Bass…)
If my inheritor hasn’t the room for an all-singing, all-dancing human body. In some places, space is a real premium and knowing my family, the kitchen table is more important than a dancing corpse.