In my unending quest (I’ve just started it actually) to improve the quality and enjoyability of British TV viewing, I have decided to compile a list of TV shows that would be very much improved by only showing the last ten minutes of each of them. Here are the shows that I propose should be (in future) ten minutes long. TV executives please take note:

TV Shows That Would Be Improved By Only Showing The Last Ten Minutes

1) Bargain Hunt: A patronising old snob spends ages leading some clueless punters around a boot fair/antiques market (usually in the rain). They look at things and either buy them, or don’t. During the crucial last ten minutes the goods are sold at an exciting auction and the “winners” (those who make the most profit) are announced. This really is the only bit worth showing.

2) Deal Or No Deal: Boxes are opened and the amounts inside revealed. The Banker makes offers to the punter. Box opened. Deal? No. Box opened. Deal? No. Box opened. Deal? No… And so on. Cut the crap, nobody deals before the last ten minutes. Just show the bit from where they deal (or the last round, if they don’t) and we find out how much they’ve won.

3) X Factor Results: Long, drawn out, tedious waiting game, to see who Simon Cowell has dictated will win/lose this week (allegedly). Ex-X Factor winners, or current “stars”, frantically try to keep us entertained, whilst we wait for the results. Results that are announced in the last ten minutes. Just show that then.

4) The Secret Millionaire: Somebody with more money than they need goes around lying to charities and pretending to be a volunteer. They have to live in a normal house for a week and wear clothes from Primark (brave bastards!). The whole thing is an uncomfortable charade. Eventually, in the last ten minutes, the Millionaire is generous to the charities, tells the truth and gives fat cheques to nice people (who cry). Everyone is happy. Again, why not just show that bit?

5) 10 Years Younger: Fifty minutes of first looking at a woman who hates herself, then up a plastic surgeon’s nose, then at the back of an orthodontist’s head, then at the swollen, bruised face of the same woman recently “altered”. The last ten minutes compare the woman as she was with her healed and “new” image – which is the point of the entire show and is actually interesting! These ten minutes could easily stand alone as excellent broadcasting. Hint.

6) 60 Minute Makeover: Crap house made good(ish), normally for a “worthy” family. Definitely takes longer than 60 mins but I have no proof of that. Loads of fake jeopardy (time is running out!) and forced conversation. Tired scenes of relatives painting and a stylist unpacking a van. The old to new house comparison, plus the full sob-story and the reveal, all emerge in the last ten minutes. This is also when the entire crying and feel-good factor come alive. Why not make the best of these moving scenes and throw out the rest?

You must be getting the idea by now. I haven’t even bothered with Diagnosis Murder, Supernanny, or Gladiators! So, I would argue that many TV programmes waste our time before the last ten minutes. Do you agree? Do feel free to chip in your ideas, our comments section doesn’t bite. 

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Posted by Blogmella in Bastardry, Blogmella (1/12/2011 at 17:16).
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